Radiation and Nervousness

I had my 3rd radiation appointment this morning (2nd for the shoulder). It was moved to an earlier time today due to my pre-op appointment this afternoon.

The radiation part is easy. But it still sort of freaks me out. Hopefully I'll get over this with time. But the 3 women leave the room, and I'm left lying there alone, knowing that I'm not supposed to move at all, while this machine circles around me, making noises. It doesn't take long, but when I think about it, it freaks me out. And then I also manage to freak myself out by worrying that I'm going to move. Hopefully this will soon become more routine.

Today they had me meet with the radiation oncologist (the original one I met with last week) after the radiation. That all led to all sorts of fears creeping in as well. Of course, I'm nervous about the pre-op appointment this afternoon and the slowly approaching surgery date, so I'm sure that was adding to my anxiety. But they went through the list of symptom questions again. I'm going to skip some details on here, but it made me a little paranoid.

Then I did hear one piece of bad news in particular. On one of my scans from late last week, they found another "lesion" somewhere in my pelvic area. I asked if that means tumor, and he said yes. But he needs to look into it further now to see what should be done, etc. I probably shouldn't be freaked out at all, but it did scare me this time. So perhaps they'll start radiating that one soon too.

Another piece of somewhat bad news... We had miscounted the days in the hospital. When we were told 4-5 days, apparently that doesn't include Friday (the day of surgery). So the stay just got extended by a day, based on what we had thought. Ugh. And they did decide to radiate on Friday morning before I go to the hospital, but they'll skip Monday. Then perhaps they'll come get me on Tuesday. The radiation oncologist actually said he was going to come by to see me in the hospital. I was surprised.

Then another piece of good news / bad news. They weighed me today, and I've lost 2 lbs since last week. I guess it's just from nerves? Losing weight isn't such a bad thing. ;) But it did freak me out a little. sigh.

Then the doctor started talking a little bit about what might happen in terms of treatments after radiation and surgery, and that got me nervous too. I've been so focused on the radiation, which we know will get rid of the tumors -- and the surgery, which we know will get rid of the main tumor. So I've been keeping my mind off the stuff that will come afterwards. And being reminded today that the next steps are unknown and will require decisions just made me anxious. Like I said, I was anxious anyway due to my appointment this afternoon, the MRI tomorrow, and surgery Friday. Maybe it's time to start taking that valium prescription soon... ;)

But the GOOD news... The doctor took the little slip of paper which was for getting a weekly blood test at the hospital... and he ripped it into shreds and threw it away!!!!!!! :) :) HOORAY!!!!!! Thank you, God, for little (big!) blessings!!!!! :) :) I might need it eventually, but for now, the doctor decided there was no need to torture me. :)