Grant and I arrived home before midnight Dec. 26. Without the focus of caring for three children and maintaining a busy household, I find my mind is fixated on my grief. I learned when my Dad died many years ago that grief is selfish - you miss what the other person did for you. I am now experiencing life as it is going to be without a daily flood of emails and IMs. I had nightmares all night my first three nights home, but things are getting better. Last night, I dreamed about Karin, but it wasn't a nightmare. She was enjoying the crafty part of heaven. It was like a wonderful, elegant carnival where she saw a magical popup manger scene she could make which she throught Kevin would love. Whatever she is doing, she is loving it! After all, it is heaven!!!
I can talk to friends now without breaking down (usually). Jan. 2nd, I return to the children until Steve feels ready to handle everything on his own.
I am broken and spilled out. Yet my Lord was broken and spilled out for me. He must have some purpose for calling Karin, my shining star, home. Thank heavens, I still have my glowing comet, Greg. Not only do I have him, but twenty-six hours after we lost Karin, he called us (at 2:00 AM no less...) to tell us that Cathi had had two positive pregnancy tests! As Job 1:21 is often paraphrased, The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
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7 comments:
So wonderful that you'll be coming back to help so soon! I'll hope to see you before you leave, then! : )
My heart goes out to you during the grief process. I cannot begin to know the loss you must feel, but I am thinking of you daily and hoping that you find some peace. Your dream is surely Karin's way of giving you a clue that she is at peace and know's you are grieving her departure. May the arrival of a new baby in your family bring you great joy in 2009
Nina,
You have set a standard in my eyes of really "being there" for one's family. I hope that if I am ever needed so desperately by my family I will have the strength and love to sacrifice my own lifestyle and provide as faithful and loving of care as you have for the past 4 months.
It inspires and challenges me to read how you are relating the pain of your loss with the sufferings of Jesus. Romans 8: 15 - 17 says "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry "Abba, Father. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
I pray that as everyone looks to Jesus during this time of coping with losing sweet Karin, each one will in some way share His glory, experience His comfort & know His great love, so immense that He would chose to endure greater suffering than we could ever imagine on our behalf.
Thank you for providing all of us readers of the blog a strong sense of what you are experiencing...it is very meaningful. Your Summit Church family loves you all very much.
Pulling together as a family is very good and therapeutic. It is a great loss, though, so I am glad you are all experiencing and expressing your emotions in a healthy way. The understanding of the children, Kevin especially, is also heartening. Your faith sounds strong in the giving and taking God we have, who, though He has to tell us "What I do you do not understand now, but afterward, you will understand," does have our best interests at heart. I say that as one who has also experienced what seems like senseless loss, as well as many of us. One day all will be healed. Until then, we soldier on. God is great and greatly to be praised. ~Janine
Steve, Grant, and Nina -
How difficult it must be to face the new year with such a loss pressing in upon you. We haven't known Karin since we babysat for her so long ago and yet we feel a tremendous loss just from reading about her courageous battle through her blogs and your love and support for her. Thank you for keeping us informed and for sharing your faith both before and after her homegoing. Very difficult days lie ahead for you and the little ones she has left behind, but her life has not been in vain. She has touched hundreds of lives with her wonderful and inspirational story. She has made all of us more aware of the uncertantity of life and the fact that we should consider each moment with those we love as very precious. You will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers in the days ahead.
Paul and Martha Cooley, Gerry, NY
A new baby in the family will be a joyous occasion that will be a reminder of hope and the love of God, a real blessing for your entire family. I like to think that Karin is choosing a precious spirit that will be perfect for Greg's new baby. Her love will kiss the little one and grace him/her forever.
MLE
I have been truly touched by all you have openly shared through this blog and have grieved along with you and your family. I don't normally comment, but I just felt strongly that I needed to comment on something you said about grief being selfish. While I think that it has the potential to be so, I don't think grief in and of itself is selfish. Jesus never did a selfish thing in his life....and when his friend Lazarus died, Jesus wept. Please allow yourself the freedom to grief without condemning yourself with being selfish.
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