Hope

Today was my last day of radiation!! HOORAY!!!! There is always the possibility that my new oncologist may decide to radiate one of the smaller locations that they discovered in the scans that were done within the days leading up to surgery. But for now, I am done with radiation. They did the major areas: left shoulder and pelvic region / right hip.

I was very happy and relieved, and then we had to talk to the radiation oncologist after the treatment today. I was feeling uncomfortable, because getting onto and off of the table had caused some pain today. I was also feeling emotionally anxious about some other things going on, I was feeling a bit sick, and I was freezing cold in their office. So I did not feel like lingering for a long conversation with the doctor. But then the conversation did not go as I had expected. When we asked questions (covering topics that really have already been discussed in the past), I wasn't liking his answers. Basically, his answer was always that there are no guarantees. But some of the answers surprised me... such as the fact that I just assumed that since my shoulder should be getting better in terms of pain, that I will regain function of that arm. But he said that that may not be the case, and I may need to see an orthopedist to discuss surgery. WHAT???!!!! Currently, Steve and my mom are learning to put barrettes in my hair and such, since I can't raise my arm -- and I have a lot of trouble doing other things, such as even getting out of bed, due to lack of movement of that arm. I was so upset at this point and so uncomfortable that I just wanted to walk out of the room. I eventually stood up and paced the room as Steve and the doctor finished the conversation.

After we left, I cried and cried. Steve and I had planned to go get something done after the appointment (I never go out to do anything these days other than appointments, so this was already unusual) -- but at this point, I just asked him to take me home. I just wanted to go to bed. Steve, as always, was very sympathetic, yet encouraging. And he reminded me that he knows that God is going to see us through this. I do not need to be afraid.

So we got home, and Steve had to go make some photocopies for me in the bonus room. I sat on our bed and debated what to do with myself for a few minutes while I waited. And I decided to read the cards that had come in the mail yesterday, while still feeling quite depressed and defeated. And this is when God spoke to me. The very first card I opened was from my cousin John, his wife Jillian, and their family. And it was no coincidence that I read this card at this time. I read it and cried. Then when I showed it to Steve, he also cried and was in complete agreement that this was God's doing. Here is what the card says:

Life's Pathway
An Inspirational Message by Emily Matthews

At times, life's path
seems filled with things
that make the going rough,
And we wish there were
a smoother road,
for we feel we've had enough...

But, if we pause a moment
and remember Who's in charge,
The hills that loom ahead of us
no longer seem so large,
And every rock before us,
when we know we're not alone,
Becomes, not just a stumbling block,
but one more stepping stone.

Then the card's inside says:

You've overcome so many things,
and, every time, you've grown
Through sheer determination
and the wisdom that you've shown.
So, as you face this journey,
from the moment you begin,
Know that God will guide you,
and you'll have the strength to win.

As Steve then said... "Thank you, God!!"

By the way, I should add that I have been feeling better today overall!! And this afternoon, I have actually regained some movement in my left arm!!!!!!! I even had a piece of food in my left hand and actually raised my left arm to put it in my mouth!!!! WOW!!! AND....I NEVER had a panic attack all day!!! WOW!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!! :) :)